Monday, April 27, 2015

Advice My Mother Never Gave Me

*You have muscles “down there” and you need to train them. They’re called Kegels and believe me, you want to learn how to squeeze those puppies dry. You won’t be aware of the Kegels until after you have born children and even then, muscles will bottom out on the childrearing spectrum. But one day your children will cease asking for your advice and you’ll find yourself  staring into the face of the dreaded menopause. Hopefully, that’s when you’ll say hello to Ms. Kegel and thank your mother for teaching you how to pinch and squeeze before it was too late.

*Keep your maiden name for as long as you can. It’s your identity. There is no MRS law that requires you to replace it.

*Don’t go to bed mad is a bullshit platitude. Sometimes being pissed off feels really good so hang onto it.
*Labor pains hurt like hell. Some say you’ll forget all about the pain once you hold that precious bundle in your arms. Don’t believe that either.
*You don’t have to give the best piece of fried chicken to your husband just because he’s got a bigger stomach. Grab hold of that fat, juicy breast and pass the wishbone to him. Next time maybe he’ll get lucky.
*Never iron the following (no matter what your mother-in-law does).
Your husband’s shirts. Take them to a laundry. You’ve got better things to do.
Tablecloths and napkins (see above). Don’t be an idiot: buy paper napkins. 
Pajamas. Like I said, don’t be an idiot. Sleep naked.
*Keep some mad money stashed away to splurge on yourself. This advice is even better than going to bed mad.
*You won’t always agree with your husband. Smile like you do and nod your head a lot, then go on and think whatever the hell you want. He won’t figure it out because duh! He’s a dude.
*If you sleep with a snorer, buy earplugs. It will save your marriage or keep you out of jail for murdering him in the middle of the night.
*You don’t have to be a perfect cook and/or homemaker. One Martha Stewart is one too many. Deli food is good.
*A regular Mani-pedi is an absolute necessity only if you don’t want to go insane. If you decide otherwise, then use those sharp toenails to stab the snorer next to you in bed.
*Feed your kids ice cream sundaes for breakfast. They will remember it for the rest of their lives. 
*You don’t need to be a volunteer. Some things are good, but others drain your energy, time and patience. If you must volunteer, choose an organization headed by an anal retentive because they won’t allow you to do diddlysquat. If baking cookies for ungrateful rugrats is your thing, go for it. If you’d rather be pummeled to the ground with a twenty-pound sack of flour until you pass out, then learn how to say NO and stick to it.
*Don’t try to please everybody. You’ll wear yourself to a frazzle and it never works anyway. It will only keep you up at night wondering why nobody ever gets you.
*Exercise if you want to. Opt out if you don’t. It’s the 21st Century; it’s your body. Choose.
*Plastic surgery? Why the hell not? If you are criticized for fixing your nose, remind the critiquer that his or her forty-year-old buck-toothed kid still wears a retainer to bed. Do what makes you feel good about yourself.
*Be kind to your mother-in-law. She is the first woman your husband ever loved and she is not your enemy. He will love you more for loving her and so will she.
*Some men hate cats. It's probably because they never owned one. Get a cat even if he doesn’t like the idea because he’ll learn to love it. Are you not making a super human effort to love his mother?
*If you cook, he cleans up. That’s a no-brainer payback for those labor pains you endured.
*When you’re sick, DON’T get out of bed to cook for your family. If they can’t pour cereal into a bowl, trade them in for people who were born with a lick of sense.
*Don’t feel guilty for taking Me Time. Consider it more labor pain payback.
Advice can be good, bad or so-so. Some of it you’ll remember, some you won’t and some you’ll wish you’d never heard. Advice can make you laugh and a lot of it just flat out came too late to do a piece of good.

Trust me on the Kegel counsel. You’ll thank me when you’re seventy.

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